October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. Last year I shared the story of my first miscarriage. You can find that episode here: careermompodcast.com/miscarriageUnfortunately, I have had 2 more miscarriages this year. When I think back on my most recent losses there is one common theme: grief. I think some of the shame and misunderstanding around miscarriage stems from the grief we experience. Miscarriage grief isn’t normal grief; it’s complicated. I sometimes find myself wondering what I am even grieving…

The loss of a baby?

The loss of a pregnancy?

The loss of joy from getting to experience pregnancy?

The loss of a future or a dream?

The loss of my vision for what my family would be?

The betrayal of my body?

The loss of normalcy from my life?

The point is, you are grieving so much more than a baby or a pregnancy. Unless someone has gone through this themselves, it is often hard for others to understand this type of loss. Many well intentioned friends and family may say things they think are helpful but are instead devastating and undermining comments like:

“At least you can get pregnant”

“At least you have a healthy child already”

“At least you weren’t that far along”

“At least you can try again”

Just remember, you have EVERY RIGHT to grieve. You have suffered a significant loss even if people can’t understand it. There it no timeline to grief. You can go days, weeks, or even months without crying and then it hits you all over again. That’s OK and totally normal! Know that you are not alone. Find a support system of other miscarriage or infant loss mothers. If you don’t have one please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. You deserve support through your grief.

If you have experienced a loss, there are many resources online to help you; postpartum.net is one that I have relied on heavily.

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